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This Is Just A Hot Mess (Hiatus Time!)
I haven't written an entry in three weeks because for one reason or another I just kept falling on my face. Kinda bummed about it, because I haven't missed more than one week's update per month since the beginning of the year when I decided to start journaling again, but what can you do.
And now I'm taking another hiatus from twitter until after Colossalcon East, which means it feels like high time I get back in the swing of things.
I said I was taking a hiatus to focus on writing for the big bang but really it's just... That twitter has started stressing me out again, and this is the busiest time of year at my work, and I know I get in the habit of pulling twitter up every time I get stressed to get my mind off of it only to become more stressed because all the time I waste on twitter puts me in more of a crunch to get everything done. It is a terrible feedback loop of hell! So I'm forcibly breaking it!!
I'm just kind of bummed out because the big bang didn't go quite as I planned. I suggested that after the August fourth deadline no one would have to listen to my big bang whining any more but clearly we all knew that was a lie. I wasn't ready on the fourth and exactly as I expected, didn't get my proofreading done until Monday the sixth, and then realized I STILL DIDN'T HAVE A TITLE, I NEVER DECIDED ON A TITLE, so I took another week and a half to pick a title and didn't post the first third of my fic until Friday the seventeenth while I was in Boston.
Once I was more than a week late I started to wish I'd just... Committed to bowing out of the big bang and posting it on my own timeline, but I also knew that I wouldn't have a completed draft for another maybe two months and if I waited two months I might chicken out of posting, so I just. Had to do it. Even if my work is late AND unfinished AND not quite what I wanted it to be.
Except the biggest joke is that I am happy with the ~20k words I posted. That section of the story does live up to my hopes for it and didn't really need more revisions. It's the next section that feels weak and badly-paced and which I really could take the time to properly edit now, I'm just... So tired. And I've only written ONCE in the past three weeks and work is on fire and I don't know how to get back into the good writing habits I'd kept up for three months, how do I do that??
I'm really mad at myself for being really responsible and with it and keeping this good schedule of biking and swimming and writing multiple times a week since May, only to let it all fall apart this August when one thing went wrong. I get frustrated a lot that FOR MOBILE GAMES, AND ONLY MOBILE GAMES, I am unerringly diligent and consistent in my efforts but that I cannot apply that sort of focus to basically any other aspect of my life where it might genuinely benefit me.
But this is depressing. I've done fun things during the past two weeks!! Two weekends ago was Otakon, and last weekend I went to Boston to visit Yrin!
Except I do not fucking want to write about that. This is apparently my "Otakon happened but what if I don't write a con report" entry because once I say as much I can be committed to it, lmao.
Con really was good, though. My friends Maggie and Kalina stayed with me for the weekend and I spent maybe 60% of my total con time in artist alley visiting all of my artist friends, plus about two hours Sunday morning in the videogame room playing non-stop JuBeat until my hands started to hurt and rebelled and forced me to stop. It was incredibly exhausting, as cons are wont to be, but good. Really good.
And visiting Yrin was really good! On Friday I went into Boston in the morning, wrote in a Starbucks, then took the train to the MFA to meet up with Caeslin! We spent so many wonderful hours in the museum talking about art and fandom and all sorts of things, and got a delicious lunch together, and then got dinner in Little Italy with Yrin when he got off work. It was suuuuuch a good time and I'm so happy I finally got to meet Caeslin in person because she is a dear and special friend and is exactly as fun to talk to face to face as she is online.
Saturday was a little bit of a lazy day until June came over in the evening, where we hung out and ordered delivery for dinner and June did tarot readings for me and for Yrin. On Sunday we went to get lunch with my friend Dani and then very briefly visited her at her house, before going home to watch anime and eat dinner. It was just, a pretty relaxing trip overall, even if we made plans during all of the full days I was there. Monday we really just watched horrible trashy anime until it was time for me to go and I have no complaints.
And now I'm home and sad about it but Yrin is coming for Labor Day weekend so at least I will get to see Yrin again soon.
I just want to stop feeling quite so frazzled. And I wish I could depend on anyone else at my work but the people who aren't incompetent have their own work to do, and the people who ought to be able to help me are incompetent or apathetic or both. It's stressful and all I end up doing in response is digging in my heels and putting my head down and grinding through, which is FINE, I will get everything I need to get done FINE, but these past three days (today included) have been so busy and mentally taxing and all I want to do after work is lie on my face.
I'm writing this during work even though it's so busy because surely all of the time I haven't spent on twitter can now be spent on doing this for a mental break instead. (Except writing this kind of doesn't feel like a break, huh? It's just a different kind of mentally taxing, lmao.)
Just kind of, screams for a thousand words into a little notepad document because this is how I manage my blood pressure.
I get to see a friend this weekend! And then Yrin the next weekend. And the weekend after that is both colossal east and the marker for when my work stops being quite so on fire, though it'll still be kinda hectic until we get into October. I scheduled my September to be sooooo full and on the one hand I'm glad because friend plans keep me going. On the other, it's very little time for writing.
I'm not sure I will finish my space AU draft by the end of October. I don't expect to write very many scenes in September but I'm gonna... Do my best... Wish me luck, yet again.
And now I suppose I should wrap up at work so I can go the fuck home, I am so absolutely spent. Thank you for reading this disjointed hot mess, it would be so cool if I could remember how to be calm and collected but that sure does sound super fake. Until next time~
And now I'm taking another hiatus from twitter until after Colossalcon East, which means it feels like high time I get back in the swing of things.
I said I was taking a hiatus to focus on writing for the big bang but really it's just... That twitter has started stressing me out again, and this is the busiest time of year at my work, and I know I get in the habit of pulling twitter up every time I get stressed to get my mind off of it only to become more stressed because all the time I waste on twitter puts me in more of a crunch to get everything done. It is a terrible feedback loop of hell! So I'm forcibly breaking it!!
I'm just kind of bummed out because the big bang didn't go quite as I planned. I suggested that after the August fourth deadline no one would have to listen to my big bang whining any more but clearly we all knew that was a lie. I wasn't ready on the fourth and exactly as I expected, didn't get my proofreading done until Monday the sixth, and then realized I STILL DIDN'T HAVE A TITLE, I NEVER DECIDED ON A TITLE, so I took another week and a half to pick a title and didn't post the first third of my fic until Friday the seventeenth while I was in Boston.
Once I was more than a week late I started to wish I'd just... Committed to bowing out of the big bang and posting it on my own timeline, but I also knew that I wouldn't have a completed draft for another maybe two months and if I waited two months I might chicken out of posting, so I just. Had to do it. Even if my work is late AND unfinished AND not quite what I wanted it to be.
Except the biggest joke is that I am happy with the ~20k words I posted. That section of the story does live up to my hopes for it and didn't really need more revisions. It's the next section that feels weak and badly-paced and which I really could take the time to properly edit now, I'm just... So tired. And I've only written ONCE in the past three weeks and work is on fire and I don't know how to get back into the good writing habits I'd kept up for three months, how do I do that??
I'm really mad at myself for being really responsible and with it and keeping this good schedule of biking and swimming and writing multiple times a week since May, only to let it all fall apart this August when one thing went wrong. I get frustrated a lot that FOR MOBILE GAMES, AND ONLY MOBILE GAMES, I am unerringly diligent and consistent in my efforts but that I cannot apply that sort of focus to basically any other aspect of my life where it might genuinely benefit me.
But this is depressing. I've done fun things during the past two weeks!! Two weekends ago was Otakon, and last weekend I went to Boston to visit Yrin!
Except I do not fucking want to write about that. This is apparently my "Otakon happened but what if I don't write a con report" entry because once I say as much I can be committed to it, lmao.
Con really was good, though. My friends Maggie and Kalina stayed with me for the weekend and I spent maybe 60% of my total con time in artist alley visiting all of my artist friends, plus about two hours Sunday morning in the videogame room playing non-stop JuBeat until my hands started to hurt and rebelled and forced me to stop. It was incredibly exhausting, as cons are wont to be, but good. Really good.
And visiting Yrin was really good! On Friday I went into Boston in the morning, wrote in a Starbucks, then took the train to the MFA to meet up with Caeslin! We spent so many wonderful hours in the museum talking about art and fandom and all sorts of things, and got a delicious lunch together, and then got dinner in Little Italy with Yrin when he got off work. It was suuuuuch a good time and I'm so happy I finally got to meet Caeslin in person because she is a dear and special friend and is exactly as fun to talk to face to face as she is online.
Saturday was a little bit of a lazy day until June came over in the evening, where we hung out and ordered delivery for dinner and June did tarot readings for me and for Yrin. On Sunday we went to get lunch with my friend Dani and then very briefly visited her at her house, before going home to watch anime and eat dinner. It was just, a pretty relaxing trip overall, even if we made plans during all of the full days I was there. Monday we really just watched horrible trashy anime until it was time for me to go and I have no complaints.
And now I'm home and sad about it but Yrin is coming for Labor Day weekend so at least I will get to see Yrin again soon.
I just want to stop feeling quite so frazzled. And I wish I could depend on anyone else at my work but the people who aren't incompetent have their own work to do, and the people who ought to be able to help me are incompetent or apathetic or both. It's stressful and all I end up doing in response is digging in my heels and putting my head down and grinding through, which is FINE, I will get everything I need to get done FINE, but these past three days (today included) have been so busy and mentally taxing and all I want to do after work is lie on my face.
I'm writing this during work even though it's so busy because surely all of the time I haven't spent on twitter can now be spent on doing this for a mental break instead. (Except writing this kind of doesn't feel like a break, huh? It's just a different kind of mentally taxing, lmao.)
Just kind of, screams for a thousand words into a little notepad document because this is how I manage my blood pressure.
I get to see a friend this weekend! And then Yrin the next weekend. And the weekend after that is both colossal east and the marker for when my work stops being quite so on fire, though it'll still be kinda hectic until we get into October. I scheduled my September to be sooooo full and on the one hand I'm glad because friend plans keep me going. On the other, it's very little time for writing.
I'm not sure I will finish my space AU draft by the end of October. I don't expect to write very many scenes in September but I'm gonna... Do my best... Wish me luck, yet again.
And now I suppose I should wrap up at work so I can go the fuck home, I am so absolutely spent. Thank you for reading this disjointed hot mess, it would be so cool if I could remember how to be calm and collected but that sure does sound super fake. Until next time~
no subject
Sorry to hear that writing and work are both giving you a hard time right now; that sounds so frustrating. I hope the social media hiatus helps get you into a better headspace for writing and/or just a less stressful place in general!