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Mostly A Writing Update
Welcome to my last before-the-deadline panic scream about tenipuri big bang! I don't want to do a journal update for this week because I will have to stare in the face how little writing I have done relative to how much of the story I have left to write! Help me!
There is no way anyone can help me, so I'll just... Do my best to be calm and rational and only yell about it a little bit.
Highlights of the past week... Last Friday I went to the park, got a free hot dog, and did some writing there.
Saturday I spent with my family, sis and I went clothes shopping, got lunch, and then went to the pool with mom, after which we visited dad and got sushi for dinner and watched a little TV together. Which was sort of wild, because I can't remember the last time our parents sat down together like that. Generally we only have meals all together for my or my sister's birthday, if then.
Sunday I did a lot of house chores, rode my bike, cooked, and wrote just a little bit, but I'd really been hoping I would write more when it was only like... Half a scene.
Monday I did even more house chores, binged the entire first season of The Good Place, and did not write.
Tuesday I meant to bike and write after work but was just so incredibly tired I didn't do either of those things, I read a very good speculative fiction story which made me cry and then laid on my face for an hour before eating dinner and going the fuck to bed.
Wednesday I went to the park after work again just to FORCE myself to be productive and did finish a scene but writing! Has just! Been! So hard!
I really, really need to at least write another scene today but I feel incredibly mentally fried. I can't figure out what I need to do to refresh myself; I've worked really hard to pace myself and give myself days off and time to do fun things and social things so I wouldn't burn myself out. I've written over 50k words in less than three months. I've worked really hard!
But I'm not done and I just desperately want to BE done and I still have fifteen scenes left in my outline and I borderline cannot imagine keeping up this routine long enough to write another fifteen scenes. Having it done by September, even, no longer feels entirely reasonable, what with Otakon the weekend after this, and my trip to Boston the weekend after that.
I've more or less committed to posting the prologue and first part as my official big-bang-posting-day effort, but I think I may put off posting even that much of my fic until Monday four days from now, rather than trying to post on Saturday before the deadline. I'm telling myself I'll finally do my proofreading over the weekend but let's be real: I'm going to do a very very rough job literally on Monday while screaming at myself. This is just who I am as a person.
But in better news, tomorrow I get allergy shots with my mom, which means we'll go swimming, and afterward I'm going back to Frederick so I can see my friend Maggie on Saturday. Part of me insists it's "irresponsible" to keep making plans while I'm behind on writing, but like? If I had thoroughly isolated myself for weeks and eliminated my social life just to write? I would die. I would be so miserable I'd probably be even more behind than I am now.
As much as I'm frustrated and distressed that I haven't done more and am not done, this is just about the best effort I could have made under the circumstances and I genuinely am super proud to have done it.
I feel like the number of times I've repeated "I am proud of my efforts!" may have started to cheapen it, like I'm only saying it so much to try to convince myself it's true, but? I don't think I am? It's just kind of, a friendly reminder to myself that I am working hard and should feel good about it.
There was a point almost a month ago where I did feel super good about at least finishing the entire draft by the post deadline, when I started to think about what I would do AFTER THIS. I really do! Want to keep writing! And I have a couple different original projects I'd begun planning in the past year and a half which were good contenders for The Next Big Project but what really scared me was the idea of shifting gears from Writing back to Outlining.
I've always been susceptible to the habit of planning things to death. It's so easy to research, and outline, and world-build, until you feel like you've done an entire project just in the planning stage and kill all motivation to actually WRITE THE STORY that planning was meant to support. I'm afraid to return to planning something because I'm afraid I'll fall into this same old pit and won't write.
But with how much longer the big bang is taking, I think a semi-break in the form of a planning interlude may be good for me, lol.
And I guess! This is! This week's crying writing update!! For like the millionth time: I super cannot wait to be done.
There is no way anyone can help me, so I'll just... Do my best to be calm and rational and only yell about it a little bit.
Highlights of the past week... Last Friday I went to the park, got a free hot dog, and did some writing there.
Saturday I spent with my family, sis and I went clothes shopping, got lunch, and then went to the pool with mom, after which we visited dad and got sushi for dinner and watched a little TV together. Which was sort of wild, because I can't remember the last time our parents sat down together like that. Generally we only have meals all together for my or my sister's birthday, if then.
Sunday I did a lot of house chores, rode my bike, cooked, and wrote just a little bit, but I'd really been hoping I would write more when it was only like... Half a scene.
Monday I did even more house chores, binged the entire first season of The Good Place, and did not write.
Tuesday I meant to bike and write after work but was just so incredibly tired I didn't do either of those things, I read a very good speculative fiction story which made me cry and then laid on my face for an hour before eating dinner and going the fuck to bed.
Wednesday I went to the park after work again just to FORCE myself to be productive and did finish a scene but writing! Has just! Been! So hard!
I really, really need to at least write another scene today but I feel incredibly mentally fried. I can't figure out what I need to do to refresh myself; I've worked really hard to pace myself and give myself days off and time to do fun things and social things so I wouldn't burn myself out. I've written over 50k words in less than three months. I've worked really hard!
But I'm not done and I just desperately want to BE done and I still have fifteen scenes left in my outline and I borderline cannot imagine keeping up this routine long enough to write another fifteen scenes. Having it done by September, even, no longer feels entirely reasonable, what with Otakon the weekend after this, and my trip to Boston the weekend after that.
I've more or less committed to posting the prologue and first part as my official big-bang-posting-day effort, but I think I may put off posting even that much of my fic until Monday four days from now, rather than trying to post on Saturday before the deadline. I'm telling myself I'll finally do my proofreading over the weekend but let's be real: I'm going to do a very very rough job literally on Monday while screaming at myself. This is just who I am as a person.
But in better news, tomorrow I get allergy shots with my mom, which means we'll go swimming, and afterward I'm going back to Frederick so I can see my friend Maggie on Saturday. Part of me insists it's "irresponsible" to keep making plans while I'm behind on writing, but like? If I had thoroughly isolated myself for weeks and eliminated my social life just to write? I would die. I would be so miserable I'd probably be even more behind than I am now.
As much as I'm frustrated and distressed that I haven't done more and am not done, this is just about the best effort I could have made under the circumstances and I genuinely am super proud to have done it.
I feel like the number of times I've repeated "I am proud of my efforts!" may have started to cheapen it, like I'm only saying it so much to try to convince myself it's true, but? I don't think I am? It's just kind of, a friendly reminder to myself that I am working hard and should feel good about it.
There was a point almost a month ago where I did feel super good about at least finishing the entire draft by the post deadline, when I started to think about what I would do AFTER THIS. I really do! Want to keep writing! And I have a couple different original projects I'd begun planning in the past year and a half which were good contenders for The Next Big Project but what really scared me was the idea of shifting gears from Writing back to Outlining.
I've always been susceptible to the habit of planning things to death. It's so easy to research, and outline, and world-build, until you feel like you've done an entire project just in the planning stage and kill all motivation to actually WRITE THE STORY that planning was meant to support. I'm afraid to return to planning something because I'm afraid I'll fall into this same old pit and won't write.
But with how much longer the big bang is taking, I think a semi-break in the form of a planning interlude may be good for me, lol.
And I guess! This is! This week's crying writing update!! For like the millionth time: I super cannot wait to be done.
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FIGHT-O, I AM CHEERING YOU ON