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State of the Hiatus (Again): Week Three
We are entering week three of my month-long twitter hiatus! I still haven't written nearly as much as I hoped to have written by this date! I'm very antsy about not being on twitter! I'm not sure if this is really having the outcome I was hoping for but I'm stubborn and I'm going to stick with it until the end even so because doing anything other than that is clearly failure. This is just who I am as a person.
On Tuesday last I biked after work like I'd planned, and ate food from the grocery store deli, and wrote for the big bang.
Wednesday after work I walked to the park down the street and wrote there for a couple hours. I was at a big, climactic scene for the current part of the story and wrote about half of it, right up to the actual climax. Then I went home, cooked chili, ate chili, and sat in the backyard to finish writing that scene. It was a very productive day! I only got a somewhat ridiculous number of mosquito bites!
Thursday was... Not nearly so productive. I didn't sleep enough Tuesday or Wednesday night and just kind of fell on my face when I got home. I meant to bike but was too tired, and meant to eat an entire bowl of chili but only finished half my dinner. I don't even... Remember what else I did on Thursday evening, I was just so tired. (As it turns out, this was when I got my package from Japan but I only had the energy to listen to the Shiraishi CD, not fuss with the DVD or read any of the new doujinshi.)
Friday was a busy day! I went for allergy shots with mom after work, and then we got bubble tea and pizza with my sister, and drove to dad's house to swim at his neighborhood pool. After the pool I took a shower and went out to meet up with Psiten; we took a small walk and hung out in the park between our houses and it was! Very nice! Dad insisted on spraying me with a shit-ton of bug spray so this time I was relatively mosquito-bite free!
I didn't actually write when I got back. I was briefly excited to do so, but I'd also promised my sister we could watch Mr. Robot and after one episode of Mr. Robot I sure did pass the fuck out.
Saturday was a day for spending time with my dad! We had crepes for breakfast and then went out driving together. We went on slightly busier state roads which actually required me to change lanes, so that was fun. I'm still a terrifying driver in that, without someone else present, I literally do not process everything happening around me. Currently, I'm relying on mom or dad to also be paying attention; checking the rearview mirror is fine because my brain accepts that what I'm seeing is behind me, but checking the side mirrors makes my brain hurt because the way it assembles its awareness of what's around me doesn't like thinking about how what I'm seeing is to the side.
This feels sort of dumb but it's why I know I'll need a lot of practice. My shitty brain overloads easily and it can be taught to intake certain information in a certain way but it just... takes a lot of repetition and that is an ongoing process. I still like driving, though. My dad asked me whether I'm ever nervous, because I laugh a lot and maybe it's nervous laughter? And it's not, actually. I'll do something stupid and then I'll laugh because I know I made a mistake but nothing bad happened and I am having FUN. I feel like I probably should be more cautious and afraid than I am because if I fail to see someone and they plow into me that will end VERY BADLY but I'm just, not. I have really terrible self preservation instincts. My body panics over all sorts of shit which shouldn't be a problem but it can't be assed to be afraid in situations where caution would benefit me.
After we got back from driving, we coordinated with dad's best friend and went out for father's day. We drove to Martin's house first, and then Martin drove us all to an Ethiopian restaurant dad decided we would try. It was fun, because my sister has never had Ethiopian food and dad hasn't had it in a long time so they're both being very finicky about picking stuff up with their hands and wiping their fingers and then Martin and I are both like, this is delicious and we are going to scoop all of the food!!
We started talking about gelato for some reason and looked up gelato places nearby, with... Limited success, if you consider finding fancy ice cream and no gelato to be a success. Which I do, because we went to get fancy ice cream for dessert; I got ginger and honey lavender flavors and it was delicious. (dad insisted on trying mine and basically went, thanks, I hate these flavors! And like, buddy, I didn't pick them for YOU.)
We went by Aldi's on the way back to Martin's, dropped him off, and went home. I told sis to make me write before I watch any Mr. Robot, so she did, and then she went and halfway fell asleep by the time I was done, thanks for NOTHING.
Sunday we made plans with my cousin who is terminally late for everything, so we sure did watch a lot of Mr. Robot before he actually showed up to go to the pool with us. But then we did indeed go to the pool! We swam a lot longer that day and probably got a little sunburnt and I got a headache from being dazzled by the sun too much, but it was still a nice time. Afterward we ordered Indian food and brought it home to dad for dinner.
After dinner, I drove home from dad's to my house! I drove on the highway! I only had to merge and change lanes a few times and it was only mildly nerve wracking! It did kind of drive home just how much I don't know, not in the ingrained, muscle-memory way someone knows things after driving for a long time. I was fine because dad basically told me exactly what to do and when to do it, but I still literally do not have the bandwidth to OPERATE THE CAR and make decisions about where I really want to be going at the same time. I know some of it -- I knew my exit would be coming up and I knew when I'd be turning at various intersections; I know how to get to my house. But even just asking my brain, do I turn left or right here? Is too much half the time.
(on the other hand, we went into my neighborhood from the back so I could get off the highway at the exit AFTER the awful one that comes out at the front of my neighborhood, and I navigated that just fine with no direction because dad doesn't know how to get to my house on those roads. So like!!! I'm not awful at this, I'm doing my best.)
It's kind of magical how fantastically broken my brain is, honestly. I just wish I could drive more often because it is fun and I need sooooo much practice just to teach my shitty brainmeat how to multitask and what to pay attention to, but I can't and so I'm just, doing my best.
I didn't write Sunday night, either, I hung out with my housemates for a couple hours and then waxed my legs while listening to the CD that came with the Hosoyan Shiraishi concert DVD I bought and then I went to bed.
And I didn't write on Monday! Knowing I have two "extra" weeks is making me too permissive with myself, and I'm horrible at managing my time on days when I don't work. Sometimes it's that TOO MUCH free time is paralyzing, versus knowing I have exactly three hours and I want to use one to bike, one to eat, and one to write, so there's no question of when writing has to happen. This weekend it was that I had so many plans that hinged on when SOMEONE ELSE was ready to do something, so over and over I'd have a chunk of free time but I wouldn't know whether it'd be 30 minutes, or an hour, or more than an hour. I don't like stopping once I've gotten going so I prefer to have a solid hour to write, and knowing that someone might stop me at any moment was discouraging while I was at dad's. :')
But I was a good kid and saw my father for father's day so there's that.
On Monday I mostly cleaned, and watched TV with my housemates, and ate sushi my housemate bought me as a "thank you for cleaning that disgusting mold," and then watched Kimi wa Petto with Samy. I really was going to write after Kimi wa Petto but we ran... Out of time... Samy and I both need to kick our own asses about the big bang.
And now I'm cranky because my plan for this week was, biking Tuesday evening followed by writing, DC on Wednesday where I buy myself dinner and write, biking again on Thursday evening followed by writing, and finally writing in the park after work on Friday. But it's raining now and is supposed to rain Wednesday evening so while I'm HOPING it's dry by the time I get home, dinner in DC tomorrow... Is going to be gross. And Friday might be a little gross. But I'm going to! Try to stick with the plan!!
This entry is a fucking mess of writing screaming and driving screaming and it's charming knowing at least a few people actually read these because in general they are just... A huge TL;DR of screaming. It's nice to put my screaming somewhere.
I miss twitter and my friends and LING EMAILED ME LAST WEEK!! and that was exciting. I want to talk to people more on discord at least but also I need to kick my own ass to write more. I really am more productive during the week and I'm hoping that THIS week, I stick to all my bribe + writing combo plans. It's hilarious how motivating biking is to me?? It clears my head and then I'm in such a good mood to write, so all the rain for the past month or so is KILLING ME.
I know sportsfest is happening and I'd prefer to pretend sportsfest is just not happening, but I can't. I could ask my friends not to talk about it to me, the ones who are participating and who text me or message me on discord, but I feel... Bad about that. And I do sort of want to make prompts (I did sign up for grandstand; I did not sign up with this DW account because I don't want randos coming to what is now my personal journal) so I can receive gifts but I haven't yet wanted it badly enough to like... Get off my ass and do it. It's weird that fake SASO is happening and I have mixed feelings about it and that is what it is.
But part of me is like, hey having some of my friends on DW again for this fandom event means y'all are gonna read my journal entries, right? Dumps them all at the SASO crew's feet, keep me company.
This coming Saturday is the last play of the season at Roundhouse, after which I am gonna drag mom and sis to the pool again and then stay overnight at dad's so I can drive again. This will, almost definitely, not be productive for my big bang writing. So I'd better actually write during the week, lmao.
Wish me luck with this whole hot mess. I am... Doing my best.
On Tuesday last I biked after work like I'd planned, and ate food from the grocery store deli, and wrote for the big bang.
Wednesday after work I walked to the park down the street and wrote there for a couple hours. I was at a big, climactic scene for the current part of the story and wrote about half of it, right up to the actual climax. Then I went home, cooked chili, ate chili, and sat in the backyard to finish writing that scene. It was a very productive day! I only got a somewhat ridiculous number of mosquito bites!
Thursday was... Not nearly so productive. I didn't sleep enough Tuesday or Wednesday night and just kind of fell on my face when I got home. I meant to bike but was too tired, and meant to eat an entire bowl of chili but only finished half my dinner. I don't even... Remember what else I did on Thursday evening, I was just so tired. (As it turns out, this was when I got my package from Japan but I only had the energy to listen to the Shiraishi CD, not fuss with the DVD or read any of the new doujinshi.)
Friday was a busy day! I went for allergy shots with mom after work, and then we got bubble tea and pizza with my sister, and drove to dad's house to swim at his neighborhood pool. After the pool I took a shower and went out to meet up with Psiten; we took a small walk and hung out in the park between our houses and it was! Very nice! Dad insisted on spraying me with a shit-ton of bug spray so this time I was relatively mosquito-bite free!
I didn't actually write when I got back. I was briefly excited to do so, but I'd also promised my sister we could watch Mr. Robot and after one episode of Mr. Robot I sure did pass the fuck out.
Saturday was a day for spending time with my dad! We had crepes for breakfast and then went out driving together. We went on slightly busier state roads which actually required me to change lanes, so that was fun. I'm still a terrifying driver in that, without someone else present, I literally do not process everything happening around me. Currently, I'm relying on mom or dad to also be paying attention; checking the rearview mirror is fine because my brain accepts that what I'm seeing is behind me, but checking the side mirrors makes my brain hurt because the way it assembles its awareness of what's around me doesn't like thinking about how what I'm seeing is to the side.
This feels sort of dumb but it's why I know I'll need a lot of practice. My shitty brain overloads easily and it can be taught to intake certain information in a certain way but it just... takes a lot of repetition and that is an ongoing process. I still like driving, though. My dad asked me whether I'm ever nervous, because I laugh a lot and maybe it's nervous laughter? And it's not, actually. I'll do something stupid and then I'll laugh because I know I made a mistake but nothing bad happened and I am having FUN. I feel like I probably should be more cautious and afraid than I am because if I fail to see someone and they plow into me that will end VERY BADLY but I'm just, not. I have really terrible self preservation instincts. My body panics over all sorts of shit which shouldn't be a problem but it can't be assed to be afraid in situations where caution would benefit me.
After we got back from driving, we coordinated with dad's best friend and went out for father's day. We drove to Martin's house first, and then Martin drove us all to an Ethiopian restaurant dad decided we would try. It was fun, because my sister has never had Ethiopian food and dad hasn't had it in a long time so they're both being very finicky about picking stuff up with their hands and wiping their fingers and then Martin and I are both like, this is delicious and we are going to scoop all of the food!!
We started talking about gelato for some reason and looked up gelato places nearby, with... Limited success, if you consider finding fancy ice cream and no gelato to be a success. Which I do, because we went to get fancy ice cream for dessert; I got ginger and honey lavender flavors and it was delicious. (dad insisted on trying mine and basically went, thanks, I hate these flavors! And like, buddy, I didn't pick them for YOU.)
We went by Aldi's on the way back to Martin's, dropped him off, and went home. I told sis to make me write before I watch any Mr. Robot, so she did, and then she went and halfway fell asleep by the time I was done, thanks for NOTHING.
Sunday we made plans with my cousin who is terminally late for everything, so we sure did watch a lot of Mr. Robot before he actually showed up to go to the pool with us. But then we did indeed go to the pool! We swam a lot longer that day and probably got a little sunburnt and I got a headache from being dazzled by the sun too much, but it was still a nice time. Afterward we ordered Indian food and brought it home to dad for dinner.
After dinner, I drove home from dad's to my house! I drove on the highway! I only had to merge and change lanes a few times and it was only mildly nerve wracking! It did kind of drive home just how much I don't know, not in the ingrained, muscle-memory way someone knows things after driving for a long time. I was fine because dad basically told me exactly what to do and when to do it, but I still literally do not have the bandwidth to OPERATE THE CAR and make decisions about where I really want to be going at the same time. I know some of it -- I knew my exit would be coming up and I knew when I'd be turning at various intersections; I know how to get to my house. But even just asking my brain, do I turn left or right here? Is too much half the time.
(on the other hand, we went into my neighborhood from the back so I could get off the highway at the exit AFTER the awful one that comes out at the front of my neighborhood, and I navigated that just fine with no direction because dad doesn't know how to get to my house on those roads. So like!!! I'm not awful at this, I'm doing my best.)
It's kind of magical how fantastically broken my brain is, honestly. I just wish I could drive more often because it is fun and I need sooooo much practice just to teach my shitty brainmeat how to multitask and what to pay attention to, but I can't and so I'm just, doing my best.
I didn't write Sunday night, either, I hung out with my housemates for a couple hours and then waxed my legs while listening to the CD that came with the Hosoyan Shiraishi concert DVD I bought and then I went to bed.
And I didn't write on Monday! Knowing I have two "extra" weeks is making me too permissive with myself, and I'm horrible at managing my time on days when I don't work. Sometimes it's that TOO MUCH free time is paralyzing, versus knowing I have exactly three hours and I want to use one to bike, one to eat, and one to write, so there's no question of when writing has to happen. This weekend it was that I had so many plans that hinged on when SOMEONE ELSE was ready to do something, so over and over I'd have a chunk of free time but I wouldn't know whether it'd be 30 minutes, or an hour, or more than an hour. I don't like stopping once I've gotten going so I prefer to have a solid hour to write, and knowing that someone might stop me at any moment was discouraging while I was at dad's. :')
But I was a good kid and saw my father for father's day so there's that.
On Monday I mostly cleaned, and watched TV with my housemates, and ate sushi my housemate bought me as a "thank you for cleaning that disgusting mold," and then watched Kimi wa Petto with Samy. I really was going to write after Kimi wa Petto but we ran... Out of time... Samy and I both need to kick our own asses about the big bang.
And now I'm cranky because my plan for this week was, biking Tuesday evening followed by writing, DC on Wednesday where I buy myself dinner and write, biking again on Thursday evening followed by writing, and finally writing in the park after work on Friday. But it's raining now and is supposed to rain Wednesday evening so while I'm HOPING it's dry by the time I get home, dinner in DC tomorrow... Is going to be gross. And Friday might be a little gross. But I'm going to! Try to stick with the plan!!
This entry is a fucking mess of writing screaming and driving screaming and it's charming knowing at least a few people actually read these because in general they are just... A huge TL;DR of screaming. It's nice to put my screaming somewhere.
I miss twitter and my friends and LING EMAILED ME LAST WEEK!! and that was exciting. I want to talk to people more on discord at least but also I need to kick my own ass to write more. I really am more productive during the week and I'm hoping that THIS week, I stick to all my bribe + writing combo plans. It's hilarious how motivating biking is to me?? It clears my head and then I'm in such a good mood to write, so all the rain for the past month or so is KILLING ME.
I know sportsfest is happening and I'd prefer to pretend sportsfest is just not happening, but I can't. I could ask my friends not to talk about it to me, the ones who are participating and who text me or message me on discord, but I feel... Bad about that. And I do sort of want to make prompts (I did sign up for grandstand; I did not sign up with this DW account because I don't want randos coming to what is now my personal journal) so I can receive gifts but I haven't yet wanted it badly enough to like... Get off my ass and do it. It's weird that fake SASO is happening and I have mixed feelings about it and that is what it is.
But part of me is like, hey having some of my friends on DW again for this fandom event means y'all are gonna read my journal entries, right? Dumps them all at the SASO crew's feet, keep me company.
This coming Saturday is the last play of the season at Roundhouse, after which I am gonna drag mom and sis to the pool again and then stay overnight at dad's so I can drive again. This will, almost definitely, not be productive for my big bang writing. So I'd better actually write during the week, lmao.
Wish me luck with this whole hot mess. I am... Doing my best.