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State of the Hiatus: Week One
It's been about a week, so I suppose it is time for a life update. The hiatus has been good so far, even if I feel like my overall mental state is (wobbly hand gesture) and still a bit of a mess.
It feels a little melodramatic to compare my twitter use to an addiction, but that's the easiest way to summarize how I start to get about twitter. Whenever I reach the point of THINKING in tweets, and feeling like I need to grab my phone to share literally any thought my brain composes that fits into that format, I know that I need to step back and... Recalibrate, basically.
Forcing myself to step away from twitter in its entirety forces me to realize when I've had one of these thoughts which really, honestly is not worth sharing with social media, and to instead keep it to myself. It's a process. It makes me really aware of how I'm thinking and what I'm prioritizing. Some things actually are worth sharing, and since I'm still talking to people through text and on discord, if a thought ends up being something I really do want to talk about I can strike up a conversation with someone and share it with them. Nevertheless, I feel like taking a break pushes me to engage with people actively, instead of being lulled into this weird complacency by the passive nature of social media and how it makes you feel that you're engaging with people when what you're actually doing is observing.
So that's been happening. Everyone who's been keeping me company has been really great. And I've made some excellent poor decisions, left unsupervised by the internet.
I dove into the wilds of used old tennis doujinshi from the early 2000s and sure did make a terrifyingly large order of books because like... How is anyone supposed to resist 100 yen a book, I can buy? So many?? I can't wait until my new hoard of old fucky tennis porn shows up to my house.
I also got allergy shots on Friday! And went driving with my mother! That was an adventure because I conscripted dad into finding a neighborhood near the allergist that seemed like it would be good for a very new driver to explore but the problem is, literally none of us had been there before. So mom and I show up and despite all the driveways I'd seen on the map, there are tons of cars parked along the street and more through traffic than we anticipated. It was fine, I really was not uncomfortable with feeling like I was navigating an obstacle course, but my mother sure did lose her mind every time I took us around a parked car because EVERY TIME she was convinced I was going to hit them.
In related news, I should really only drive with my dad even though he is far less accessible. I always knew driving with my mother would send me up the goddamn wall and like... I was calm about it this time but her histrionics will progressively wear on me if I keep voluntarily submitting myself to them.
I also visited with dad Friday night, we had dinner and it was nice, and in the morning I left with Psiten to see a play! We got AYCE sushi for lunch and saw Aubergine at the Olney Theater. It was... So good... It's a play about family, food, and memory and how those things are interrelated, exploring a Korean-American man's relationship with his dying father. It made me cry, which should surprise no one. Content about communicating through food is very, very for me and I'm so happy Psiten and I could see this play together.
Also, I broke a tooth at katsucon?? I hadn't had dental insurance for a bit and never found a new dentist once I did so I guess that was the universe going, HEY ASSHOLE, FIND A DENTIST. I have an appointment tomorrow for emergency dental work to get it? Repaired I guess??
This is horrible but sort of hilarious because breaking a tooth (especially in a context like katsucon where I'm around a lot of people and can't leave) is the purest nightmare fuel for me, I've had SO many awful dreams about it, and then it actually happens and like... This sucks shit and I hope it's really fix-able in one visit because I'm tired of putting dental wax over the sharp edge of my tooth so I stop cutting my fucking TONGUE ON IT, but on the other hand. It's cool in a way to face one of my biggest fears and just kinda deal with it, I guess?
So I'm at work on a Monday when I usually don't come to the office on Mondays because my dentist appointment is tomorrow morning and I just do not want to have to come to the office afterward. My mouth will probably be super numbed up and I'll be tired, let me go home to sulk and die.
And that's how life is going!
It's been kind of strange because I never did crash after Katsucon, I've continued to feel pretty calm and arguably happy, but I'm also... So unmotivated? I'm starting to feel bad about asking Yrin and Damien to RP with me because I just can't summon the correct state of mind to write posts. I don't feel especially despairing or sad and I want to be busy, but I don't want to DO ANYTHING in my usual repertoire of "things to do."
I'm continuing to read an alarming amount of tennis fic but I'm really only doing it because it's the lowest common denominator of effort to do a thing that will keep me busy and not feel like a waste.
It's kind of frustrating, but also just straight up fascinating because it's like... Probably a mixed episode, honestly, isn't bipolar fucking great? It's like you mix mania and depression and get "roughly functioning like a normal person except all your motivation cancels out too." I dunno, brains are bullshit.
I really actively do want to write but I don't want to write anything I have PLANS for and it's killing me. I have a document of "tennis fic concepts I'm never going to write" and prompts from both Yrin's tenipuri shipname fest and Caeslin's rec of the new porn battle anon meme and I have a couple original story concepts I meant to write before I got back into tennis... But none of it is what I want. I want to either write really plotless soft domestic fluff as a balm to my tired soul (but I have no ideas for that and don't know what characters I would choose to write about) or I want to write the purest of nasty id-fic, but I can't tell what sort of disgusting porn concept would satisfy my id. I'd take a combination of the two, even, I just... Can't get as far as an actual story concept and it's maddening.
Maybe I'll sort my shit before my hiatus is done. Maybe my attention span will even out enough to let me keep reading Death's End and not just tennis fic. Maybe I'll actually do work at work for a fucking change, but our internet was out most of the day so I've just been sitting around pretending to be busy. (coincidentally, it just came back, so I guess I really actually do have to work again, woe is me.)
Thanks for reading, friendos.
It feels a little melodramatic to compare my twitter use to an addiction, but that's the easiest way to summarize how I start to get about twitter. Whenever I reach the point of THINKING in tweets, and feeling like I need to grab my phone to share literally any thought my brain composes that fits into that format, I know that I need to step back and... Recalibrate, basically.
Forcing myself to step away from twitter in its entirety forces me to realize when I've had one of these thoughts which really, honestly is not worth sharing with social media, and to instead keep it to myself. It's a process. It makes me really aware of how I'm thinking and what I'm prioritizing. Some things actually are worth sharing, and since I'm still talking to people through text and on discord, if a thought ends up being something I really do want to talk about I can strike up a conversation with someone and share it with them. Nevertheless, I feel like taking a break pushes me to engage with people actively, instead of being lulled into this weird complacency by the passive nature of social media and how it makes you feel that you're engaging with people when what you're actually doing is observing.
So that's been happening. Everyone who's been keeping me company has been really great. And I've made some excellent poor decisions, left unsupervised by the internet.
I dove into the wilds of used old tennis doujinshi from the early 2000s and sure did make a terrifyingly large order of books because like... How is anyone supposed to resist 100 yen a book, I can buy? So many?? I can't wait until my new hoard of old fucky tennis porn shows up to my house.
I also got allergy shots on Friday! And went driving with my mother! That was an adventure because I conscripted dad into finding a neighborhood near the allergist that seemed like it would be good for a very new driver to explore but the problem is, literally none of us had been there before. So mom and I show up and despite all the driveways I'd seen on the map, there are tons of cars parked along the street and more through traffic than we anticipated. It was fine, I really was not uncomfortable with feeling like I was navigating an obstacle course, but my mother sure did lose her mind every time I took us around a parked car because EVERY TIME she was convinced I was going to hit them.
In related news, I should really only drive with my dad even though he is far less accessible. I always knew driving with my mother would send me up the goddamn wall and like... I was calm about it this time but her histrionics will progressively wear on me if I keep voluntarily submitting myself to them.
I also visited with dad Friday night, we had dinner and it was nice, and in the morning I left with Psiten to see a play! We got AYCE sushi for lunch and saw Aubergine at the Olney Theater. It was... So good... It's a play about family, food, and memory and how those things are interrelated, exploring a Korean-American man's relationship with his dying father. It made me cry, which should surprise no one. Content about communicating through food is very, very for me and I'm so happy Psiten and I could see this play together.
Also, I broke a tooth at katsucon?? I hadn't had dental insurance for a bit and never found a new dentist once I did so I guess that was the universe going, HEY ASSHOLE, FIND A DENTIST. I have an appointment tomorrow for emergency dental work to get it? Repaired I guess??
This is horrible but sort of hilarious because breaking a tooth (especially in a context like katsucon where I'm around a lot of people and can't leave) is the purest nightmare fuel for me, I've had SO many awful dreams about it, and then it actually happens and like... This sucks shit and I hope it's really fix-able in one visit because I'm tired of putting dental wax over the sharp edge of my tooth so I stop cutting my fucking TONGUE ON IT, but on the other hand. It's cool in a way to face one of my biggest fears and just kinda deal with it, I guess?
So I'm at work on a Monday when I usually don't come to the office on Mondays because my dentist appointment is tomorrow morning and I just do not want to have to come to the office afterward. My mouth will probably be super numbed up and I'll be tired, let me go home to sulk and die.
And that's how life is going!
It's been kind of strange because I never did crash after Katsucon, I've continued to feel pretty calm and arguably happy, but I'm also... So unmotivated? I'm starting to feel bad about asking Yrin and Damien to RP with me because I just can't summon the correct state of mind to write posts. I don't feel especially despairing or sad and I want to be busy, but I don't want to DO ANYTHING in my usual repertoire of "things to do."
I'm continuing to read an alarming amount of tennis fic but I'm really only doing it because it's the lowest common denominator of effort to do a thing that will keep me busy and not feel like a waste.
It's kind of frustrating, but also just straight up fascinating because it's like... Probably a mixed episode, honestly, isn't bipolar fucking great? It's like you mix mania and depression and get "roughly functioning like a normal person except all your motivation cancels out too." I dunno, brains are bullshit.
I really actively do want to write but I don't want to write anything I have PLANS for and it's killing me. I have a document of "tennis fic concepts I'm never going to write" and prompts from both Yrin's tenipuri shipname fest and Caeslin's rec of the new porn battle anon meme and I have a couple original story concepts I meant to write before I got back into tennis... But none of it is what I want. I want to either write really plotless soft domestic fluff as a balm to my tired soul (but I have no ideas for that and don't know what characters I would choose to write about) or I want to write the purest of nasty id-fic, but I can't tell what sort of disgusting porn concept would satisfy my id. I'd take a combination of the two, even, I just... Can't get as far as an actual story concept and it's maddening.
Maybe I'll sort my shit before my hiatus is done. Maybe my attention span will even out enough to let me keep reading Death's End and not just tennis fic. Maybe I'll actually do work at work for a fucking change, but our internet was out most of the day so I've just been sitting around pretending to be busy. (coincidentally, it just came back, so I guess I really actually do have to work again, woe is me.)
Thanks for reading, friendos.
no subject
i actually have a dental appointment tomorrow morning too, though mine's just a cleaning (i went through my dental hell this summer, which was similarly a wake-up call because i hadn't gone to the dentist in a few years...) good luck with your appointment! i hope there will be no need for a follow-up
no subject
I'm very happy the housing stuff is sorted too. ;;
And I hope your cleaning went well! It sounds like I'm behind your curve with dental hell but I'm hoping after my follow-up appointment (which includes a cleaning) I'll be back on track to not fucking up my teeth, lol.
(the follow-up is fine tbh because I knew I needed a cleaning on top of the repair thing so like... Soon I will be free for a while.)