Why are all these things so stressed out?

[catlarks]

Ah, this is my usual journal-updating day... Let's do this, I guess.



I'm so, fucking stressed out, and mad at myself for ruining the careful habit I was building up with the personal journaling and keeping track of good routines and not checking twitter so much.

I'm really glad my friend could come to visit for the weekend and I'm soooooo glad we marathonned like, 68 solid episodes of Prince of Tennis, but I have mixed feelings about using twitter so much to livetweet. That's part of what makes watching media fun for me -- sharing reactions in realtime with people online -- and I also use it as a sort of time capsule, preserving my ideas about ships and characters for later perusal. In that regard, I don't regret my tennis livetweet.

But I'm mad it brought back my habit of checking twitter every five minutes to see if someone responded to any of my tweets, because it took so, so much work to break that habit.

So now I have to. Start again. And it's so much harder to start from active use than from cold turkey quitting. :')

I'm also stressed out about my housing situation. It kind of, hit me like a bucket of cold water that I have designed my life in such a way that it doesn't really allow for apartment viewings. I don't allow myself to have more than half a day of free time because if I do the depression will catch up to me, I have to keep moving because if I don't I inevitably sink into this horrific existential despair. And I need to hold still in order to apartment hunt.

I can only browse for apartment availabilities for about an hour at a time before my brain just overloads with panic and I end up feeling this powerful urge to cry. It would be! Super cool! If this wasn't something my brain felt the need to do but unfortunately I have this useless fucking mental handicap.

I wish I was better at judging whether apartment complexes are reputable, too. All you can really do is compare around online and look at reviews and TRY to do your research but it's so scary. But at the same time, like... If I'm honest, there were super gross aspects of the last house we rented and the current one. We've had mice in both. The current house has mold and mildew problems. I've just, kind of been trained to think that this is something that HAPPENS when you rent.

I'm more nervous about issues with getting maintenance to come fix problems in an apartment, but. If I think about everything that could go wrong for too long it paralyzes me and I should. Not do that.

I wish my housemate would show me more things he's come up with. I wish I felt confident in any of my suggestions. I wish I didn't have to MOVE ALL MY SHIT because literally every option I turn up would mean a longer, more complicated work commute. But what can you do, we can't afford the current place between us.

Ah well.

Here is your weekly dose of stress and anxiety, wouldn't it be cool if I had fun things to bring to this space.

I still want to write an entry about the Harry Potter fics I read in December, and I REALLY want to write an entry about all my terrible new Prince of Tennis shipping opinions, but. Those things require me to be a little less of a closed mouth screaming disaster.

Thanks for being my friend, y'all. It's weird feeling that you can simultaneously be a totally fun and cool person to chat to and hang out with, and a complete trainwreck disaster, but that's how things are going. I appreciate everyone who keeps me company so, so much. Y'all are the absolute best.

Comments

[spywindow]

Hugs, that sounds really stressful all around. Especially the housing situation! That's a huge decision to make, and it just makes things that much more stressful when none of the options is ideal or when you don't have enough information to suss out whether a place has problems or not.

Re: panic overload (and feel 100% free to ignore this if you're not looking for advice), do you think that doing research together with your housemate, or even with another friend, might help? I know when it comes to things that stress me out, e.g. planning trips (MY WORST NEMESIS), just having another person in the room helps temper my anxiety a lot.

Re: twitter and constantly refreshing for interaction, that is such a challenging compulsion to break. Interaction can be so rewarding when it happens! But also, waiting for it to happen can be super frustrating, and it sucks when it interferes with other things you want to do. /looks at weekends where I didn't get out of bed until two or three PM because my time zone was finally aligned with online friends in the US

If you ever think it would be helpful to move fandom discussion to a different platform, I'm happy to do twitter DM or dreamwidth, so just let me know. Also, if you need to take a break from the internet altogether, I understand and support you! Just, do whatever you think will help you the most.

[princesssid]

oof, good luck with the housing situation, looking for places is so fucking stressful. one time when i was looking for a place a friend had to sit me down and make me do a search and send emails cause i kept avoiding it (but i was still worrying about it without doing anything about it?), so... i get you

i def want to hear your prince of tennis shipping opinions although at this point i think i'd need to watch more myself just to remember who's who outside of seigaku

[putsch]

yeah, apartment hunting is Truly Dicks - is there a way you and your roommate can take a day to check out a bunch of places together, or even have one of your other roomies check out an apartment complex you're interested in? sometimes just having another person go be your eyes and ears can make all the world of difference, I had friends pulling that for me when I wasn't available to run around all of nyc when i was looking

i hope it gets less stressful, no matter what :{

[yrindor]

*pats gently*

Housing is scary ;_;
The blanket fort is always open if you need somewhere to scream (or hide from the screaming)

Also, this doesn't seem to fit anywhere else, so I'm shoving it here, but I decided to try following your twitter hiatus/cutting back lead and cut back some myself. At the very least, I'm no longer trying to backread everything. And it's been…possibly successful so far? I've read a whole short story and part of a novel (said tongue-in-cheek, but given that's not much less than the new content I read in all of 2017, and coming from someone who a few years ago easily read 100+ books in a year, I'll take it). Here's to continued adventures in not being eaten by the hell site.