![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
This One Is A Lot More Stressed
I am kind of starting to lose my handle on things again, so this entry is less likely to be a fun breakdown of the past week's highlights, and more of a TL;DR of stressed-out wordvomit. Thank you... For coming with me on this fun adventure... Journaling is magical.
Last week just, felt terrible. I don't think it was really the vacation equivalent of con crash, because I didn't really... Leave myself time to crash. I just went fairly abruptly from keeping late hours and doing whatever we wanted every day to being back at work, and didn't get my bedtime back to what it should be, and the building sleep deficit just progressively kicked my ass.
I know I'm sliding toward mania and that my executive function is in the toilet so that just, managing to eat and sleep and work is honestly an accomplishment but it makes me soooo frustrated. I ended up taking a mental health day yesterday and on the one hand, felt extremely shitty about it and as a result my mood tanked most of the time, but on the other hand, my energy level was weirdly good? I showered and cooked and did laundry, and even if I wish I'd done more cleaning, it's better than I'd managed over the weekend.
I am just so fucking perpetually tired, and I feel like what I'm trying to do most -- in between just, doing the minimum to stay afloat -- is to figure out how I have to behave to conserve my "battery" best, or what I can even do to recharge myself.
And I ended a friendship which had previously been very important to me and I'm still kind of mad about it. On my end it feels like this person wasn't able to be patient with my mental health and understand that no, I literally CANNOT scrape together the energy to do a fun friend thing for you to make you feel happy and valued as a person, you HAVE to wait a few weeks for me to reboot. But that if their mental health crashes for more than twice as long, I am supposed to wait patiently through the radio silence and not think it's a really bullshit double standard. Uh huh. Not happening.
I can be patient like that for friends. I think it's totally reasonable that if someone is having a hard time and talking to me would only make it harder, they might want to step away for a while. Even kind of a long while! But if you can't do the same for me I frankly do not fucking want to waste my energy on you.
I wasn't going to talk about this without at least locking the entry but, JAZZ HANDS, oh fucking well!
I think I need another break from social media. I don't really think it would HELP, but if nothing else I need to force myself to stop checking twitter and discord at work because it sort of makes me lose my goddamn mind. I just... Can't mentally stand to do only job tasks for a solid eight hours minus lunch, I'm not built for this, I need breaks. But I don't have good things to give myself as a break, which will let my brain rest for a few minutes before continuing to well and capably do my job. I wish I could let my brain rest but I just literally do not know how to turn off the hypervigilance it keeps toggling.
I sort of feel like I need to cold turkey quit my mobage, but I know this would also be soul-crushing for me.
I'm really aware of what a horrific amount of time I put into these games -- I play when I wake up, on my commute to work, over lunch, on my commute home from work, after dinner, and before bed. I probably play like... Three or four hours of these stupid rhythm games EVERY DAY. I do less when less is going on in my games; during this past week of special daily missions I played tenirabi only once or twice a day, just enough to complete the missions and not any more. But when events are on I play every 4.5 hours like a fucking rhythm machine.
And like, this is literally insane? This is probably the definition of addiction? If I wasn't spending three-ish hours a day on mobage I could do so much more reading, or writing, or other work on my hobbies! But the thing is... I am horrifically depressed and sometimes the absolute most thinking I can do is to follow little colored dots in time to music with my fingers. And being able TO fill my time with that, to do something that FEELS productive even if the only goal it's accomplishing is racking up meaningless numbers in a game, keeps me from totally losing it because otherwise I would probably literally just kinda stare at the wall and have a meltdown.
So yeah, not really sure how I feel about the mobage coping mechanism but for the time being bushiroad still owns my soul because as frightening as I do kinda find my mobage addiction, I find the alternative more frightening.
And this is probably enough venting for one entry.
I dunno. To kind of... Wrap it up, I feel intrinsically shitty and my inability to interface with my hobbies is only making me feel more shitty. I signed up for the tenipuri big bang and despite devising the most self-indulgent, id-pleasing AU I could think of, I just feel incredibly bad about the entire idea of writing my story. Part of me desperately wants to just tap out now, before I get anyone else's hopes up and when it would be easiest to break it to my partner (hi Yrin). But I also... Really don't want to do that, I love my story concept and I want it to exist. I just want to stop feeling bad about the idea of working on it.
And I dragged Samy into signing up for an RP with me and now the entire idea of the RP is just stressing me out, I want to be able to play and do fun things with people but I feel like I as a person cannot multitask this game and the big bang, it has to be one or the other. I don't want to drop the game before I've even gotten the chance to play because that feels really sad, but phoning it in just enough to pass activity check while not enjoying it because I'm stressed out about balancing tnprbb and with making the check sounds like a terrible fucking idea. I wish I could take a hiatus from it just long enough to finish my bb fic but even as casual as it is, that's longer than the game lets you take as a consecutive hiatus.
Okay, there we go, now THAT is all of the things that are stressing me out on top of my actual real life, which are actually just fun things I did to myself because I thought they would be FUN.
Please teach me how to have even a modicum of chill and also how to have fun. I'm doing badly at it.
Last week just, felt terrible. I don't think it was really the vacation equivalent of con crash, because I didn't really... Leave myself time to crash. I just went fairly abruptly from keeping late hours and doing whatever we wanted every day to being back at work, and didn't get my bedtime back to what it should be, and the building sleep deficit just progressively kicked my ass.
I know I'm sliding toward mania and that my executive function is in the toilet so that just, managing to eat and sleep and work is honestly an accomplishment but it makes me soooo frustrated. I ended up taking a mental health day yesterday and on the one hand, felt extremely shitty about it and as a result my mood tanked most of the time, but on the other hand, my energy level was weirdly good? I showered and cooked and did laundry, and even if I wish I'd done more cleaning, it's better than I'd managed over the weekend.
I am just so fucking perpetually tired, and I feel like what I'm trying to do most -- in between just, doing the minimum to stay afloat -- is to figure out how I have to behave to conserve my "battery" best, or what I can even do to recharge myself.
And I ended a friendship which had previously been very important to me and I'm still kind of mad about it. On my end it feels like this person wasn't able to be patient with my mental health and understand that no, I literally CANNOT scrape together the energy to do a fun friend thing for you to make you feel happy and valued as a person, you HAVE to wait a few weeks for me to reboot. But that if their mental health crashes for more than twice as long, I am supposed to wait patiently through the radio silence and not think it's a really bullshit double standard. Uh huh. Not happening.
I can be patient like that for friends. I think it's totally reasonable that if someone is having a hard time and talking to me would only make it harder, they might want to step away for a while. Even kind of a long while! But if you can't do the same for me I frankly do not fucking want to waste my energy on you.
I wasn't going to talk about this without at least locking the entry but, JAZZ HANDS, oh fucking well!
I think I need another break from social media. I don't really think it would HELP, but if nothing else I need to force myself to stop checking twitter and discord at work because it sort of makes me lose my goddamn mind. I just... Can't mentally stand to do only job tasks for a solid eight hours minus lunch, I'm not built for this, I need breaks. But I don't have good things to give myself as a break, which will let my brain rest for a few minutes before continuing to well and capably do my job. I wish I could let my brain rest but I just literally do not know how to turn off the hypervigilance it keeps toggling.
I sort of feel like I need to cold turkey quit my mobage, but I know this would also be soul-crushing for me.
I'm really aware of what a horrific amount of time I put into these games -- I play when I wake up, on my commute to work, over lunch, on my commute home from work, after dinner, and before bed. I probably play like... Three or four hours of these stupid rhythm games EVERY DAY. I do less when less is going on in my games; during this past week of special daily missions I played tenirabi only once or twice a day, just enough to complete the missions and not any more. But when events are on I play every 4.5 hours like a fucking rhythm machine.
And like, this is literally insane? This is probably the definition of addiction? If I wasn't spending three-ish hours a day on mobage I could do so much more reading, or writing, or other work on my hobbies! But the thing is... I am horrifically depressed and sometimes the absolute most thinking I can do is to follow little colored dots in time to music with my fingers. And being able TO fill my time with that, to do something that FEELS productive even if the only goal it's accomplishing is racking up meaningless numbers in a game, keeps me from totally losing it because otherwise I would probably literally just kinda stare at the wall and have a meltdown.
So yeah, not really sure how I feel about the mobage coping mechanism but for the time being bushiroad still owns my soul because as frightening as I do kinda find my mobage addiction, I find the alternative more frightening.
And this is probably enough venting for one entry.
I dunno. To kind of... Wrap it up, I feel intrinsically shitty and my inability to interface with my hobbies is only making me feel more shitty. I signed up for the tenipuri big bang and despite devising the most self-indulgent, id-pleasing AU I could think of, I just feel incredibly bad about the entire idea of writing my story. Part of me desperately wants to just tap out now, before I get anyone else's hopes up and when it would be easiest to break it to my partner (hi Yrin). But I also... Really don't want to do that, I love my story concept and I want it to exist. I just want to stop feeling bad about the idea of working on it.
And I dragged Samy into signing up for an RP with me and now the entire idea of the RP is just stressing me out, I want to be able to play and do fun things with people but I feel like I as a person cannot multitask this game and the big bang, it has to be one or the other. I don't want to drop the game before I've even gotten the chance to play because that feels really sad, but phoning it in just enough to pass activity check while not enjoying it because I'm stressed out about balancing tnprbb and with making the check sounds like a terrible fucking idea. I wish I could take a hiatus from it just long enough to finish my bb fic but even as casual as it is, that's longer than the game lets you take as a consecutive hiatus.
Okay, there we go, now THAT is all of the things that are stressing me out on top of my actual real life, which are actually just fun things I did to myself because I thought they would be FUN.
Please teach me how to have even a modicum of chill and also how to have fun. I'm doing badly at it.